Livng the european life. (With apologies to our EU cousins.)

I was reading an article the other day about Brits moving to other European countries to live and work, and have been contemplating which country I would most like to live. Now, I have in the past lived in a few EU countries, but that was when I was young free and single. Now that I’m old, trapped and married, things look different. I know that there is good and bad in every country, and, with the global economy, the lines between nationalities are getting blurred. So, let’s take a tour of our near neighbours and weigh up the pros and cons of each country.

Now I will discount the Scandinavian countries, not that they are bad, in fact I believe Norway has one of the best standards of living in Europe, Sweden have some great furniture from our Kia, and the Danish sure know how to grow a pig or two, it’s just that, at my age I feel the cold more, so I will begin with Germany.

Ah yes, Germany, home of the new EU financial giant, sauerkraut and sausages. I like a nice frankfarter, followed by a big plate of Black Forest Grotto, washed down with a bottle of pills, but I can’t stand cabbage. Germany has no speed limits on the autobahns but when you drive an old Rover, that’s immaterial, It has the mountains in the south, the Rhine and such wonderful cities as Berlin, Munich and Hamburg with its reaper van.

Germanys neighbour is Holland, with the windmills, mice, Amsterdam and Tulips. Where everyone walks around in them wooden clots. I like Holland, the cafes where you can get more than a cup of coffee, the cheese, and the women; although it’s a pity it’s full of dykes. Holland is flat, I mean really flat. A lot of it is under sea level and if it wasn’t for that little boy with his finger in a dyke, it would all be flooded. I have to say that Holland is one of my favourite countries.

Belgium is ok. No, really, it is! Ok they have a lot of sprouts and there is often problems between the Phlegm’s and the Balloons, but on the whole it is ok. Enough said.

Now France, ah France a wonderful country, pity it is full of………………………sorry can’t say that here. Look at Paris, oh yes gay pareeee! With its eyeful tower, its loo museum, and of course where would we be without its plaster? Then there is the Versace place with its fine gardens and lewis’s 16^th floor furniture, all hand made with finest wood venereal. French cheese is a bit too runny for me, but you can wash it down with a fine wine such as a nice Bardot, or a vintage Bergerac novo. In the south of the country, the jet set gather in Juan Less Pins, just along the coast from Nice, you know, where the biscuits come from, and every year they go to watch the Meccano formula 1 grand prix.

Switzerland has such wonderful views, imagine waking up every morning is a shallot on a hill side, when the cuckoo goes off, opening the shutters and hearing a mix of cow bells and yokelling.

Austria, like Switzerland, has fresh mountain air, that makes you want to climb every mountain and ford every stream. When I visit Austria, I always start singing “the lonely coat heard” as performed by Ron Trapp and his family in the film the sound of muesli. You can also dance to Johan sebastian strauss and his wurlitzer tunes while eating a Vietnamese whirl.

Spain I have never quite made it to, every time I try to get there, something happens to stop me, is this an omen? I hear stories of huge great plates of Pirelli, washed down with Sandy Miguel on a beach in the costa coffee shop, is this right?

Italy has it’s cities, although Rome seems to be falling down. I don’t want to live in Venus, too many canals, and you know what those gonorrhoea’s are like, they spend all day pinching bums. I could always go to the island made famous by “our Gracie” Fields; you know the one, Crappie.

Greece has the apocalypse, the pantheon and the race named after a chocolate bar, which reminds me, will they be running  26 mile Snickers at London 2012? It’s suffering a bit at the moment, it’s never been the same since Helen and troy sank all of Aristotle’s 1000 ships with a wooden horse, and no one can sing like Damian Rhesus and that Nina Moussaka.   

Anyway, I’ve decided, I know it’s not quite Europe, except for the annual song contest, and Europa cup, but I’m going to move to Israel and live on one of them there Kebabs’.