Rebels without a cause.

Well I was out and about on the weekend, working as usual. This week, I spotted two groups of bikers. One, complete with German helmets, or bandanas, leather jackets etched with skull and crossbones and various other aggressive icons, were a group of hells angels. Some were riding customised bikes with “Ape Hanglers” or cattle horn handle bars, some with three wheel bikes al la Billy Connelly.

 The other, obviously from the Harley Davidson Appreciation Society, or HarDaAss, as it is known, were all mounted on the iconic American bikes made famous in such films as The wild ones, with Marlon Brando, and Easy Rider, with Peter Fonda and Dennis Quaid. Some beautiful bikes with chrome gleaming, and paintwork shining. One thing that did catch my eye was that in both groups there were some “hell raisers” wearing Hi Viz jackets!

Now can you imagine if this had been around in days of yore? Imagine Mods and Rockers arriving at Brighton or Southend on bank holiday Monday, with hi Viz jackets on. The mods would have pristine, designer jackets, with pictures of The Who, or Roger Daltry on them, the rockers would be wearing oily old jackets with James Dean on the back.

So, how would health & safety affect some of Hollywood’s finest efforts?  Would Stephen Spielberg have enjoyed so much success, if in his early Film, Duel, the Peterbilt tanker was restricted to 56MPH?

The names Bond, James Bond.

Picture the scene if you will, Whitehall, a secret underground office…………………………

Bond entered the Office of Q branch and went straight to Major Boothroyd. “so Q, what have you got for me today?” asked bond. Q pulled out from under his desk, a thick A4 size folder, containing what looked like 4000 pages of text. “take a look at this bond, and see what you think” replied Q.

Bond lifted the folder carefully and turned it over and over, checking the outside for tell-tale signs, but could see nothing. “is it a secret hiding place for the component parts of a Walther PPK 7.65 mm?” asked bond. “Afraid not” replied Q. “is it a small nuclear reactor that I can plug in to any light socket, and have enough power to light up a small city?” Enquired Bond.

Q Shock his head. “Is it some kind of secret communications device?” tried bond. “Now you are getting closer” said Q. He produced, what looked like an ordinary ball point pen from his breast pocket, and handed it to bond. “You will need this to use it” he said.

“Is this some kind of remote control device? Or does it fire poisoned darts?” Bond asked.

“No “replied Q. “It’s a pen, you will need it to sign off the 4000 pages of risk assessments contained in the folder, that you need to read, and remember before you can go out on operations from now on”

Bond sighed, “Give me a Martini, shaken not stirred” He said.

The Men on the moon.

Gene Krantz was relaxed, he had just poured himself another coffee, and was lighting a cigar, when the radio crackled into life.

“Houston we have a problem” said the voice of Apollo 13 commander Jim Lovell.” I don’t think we can make the moon landing”

Immediately Krantz looked at his assistant director. “Quick, go  check the crews training records, make sure they signed off every Health &Safety sheet, we need to cover our asses here” Turning back to the radio, he managed to keep a cool voice.” What kind of problem Apollo 13?”

Lovell’s voice came back over the radio. “Seems that some clown forgot to pack our hi viz jackets, safety boots and hard hats, and you know we are not allowed out of the lunar landing craft without them”

When Johnny comes marchin home.

Scarlett O’Hara stood amongst the ashes of the family ancestral home, tears running down blackened cheeks. What was to become of her now? No home, no family, nothing. Just then she heard footsteps behind her, and found herself whisked into the arms of Rhett Butler. “Oh Rhett” she cried. “Where did it all go wrong?”

He leant back and looked into her eyes. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn” She looked around her, and found she was surrounded by the faithful old family servants, Mammy, Pork and Uncle Peter. “Well now missy Scarlett, don’t you go worrying your pretty lil head about such things” said mammy.

“you’se askin me” said Uncle Peter” tings was fine til dey give dem yung boy johnny reb sojdyers dem yeller hi viz westcuts to wear”

The Empire strikes back!

Grand Moff Tarkin turned towards Darth Vader, hoping that he had used mouthwash that morning. “We are in orbit around the rebel planet, Lord Vader”

Darth Vader took a long loud breath.” I will lead the mission personally” he said.” Kill them all, but I want young Skywalker alive. Now prepare my x fighter” Vader turned, and with a sweep of his clock, walked to the launching pad.

Ten minutes later, Darth Vader arrived on the planet surface. He was met by a representative of the local government. “Welcome Lord Vader, do you have anything to declare?” he enquired.

“Declare?” Shouted Darth Vader. “I am his imperial majesty’s emissary and right hand man”

“Yes” said the man in a rather bored nasal accent.” But we have to check you are wearing the right safety equipment. Now does that helmet comply with ES standard kite mark ISO 13975.27?”

Darth Vader pulled out his light sabre. The man looked at it with mild disinterest. “You got a licence for that?” he asked.

Cool hand Andy.

It was a hot, sultry day in Shawshank Prison. Andy Dufresne walked casually around the exercise yard, hands in pocket, looking for all the world like a typical bored prisoner. But Andy was far from bored, he looked around and spotted what he was looking for. He strolled over to where Red was sitting, and placed himself next to the man. Andy Dufresne whispered “I understand you're a man who knows how to get things.”

Red replied “I’m known to locate certain things from time to time. What are you looking for?”

“Rock hammer” Said Andy.

“What’s one of them? And how much would you pay for one on the outside? “Asked Red.

“About $8,” replied Andy “and what’s with all the questions?”

“Well, if it was a toothbrush I wouldn't ask questions, I'd just quote a price, but then a toothbrush is a non-lethal object, isn't it? “ said Red.

“When you see it, you’ll know it’s not lethal” replied Andy.

“0k” said red. “Anything else?”

Andy passed red a list, Red looked around to check the guards weren’t looking then opened it and read.

“Hmm” said red. “you want safety boots, safety gloves, hard hat and hi Viz jacket”

“Yes” replied Andy. “I’m going into the demolition business, said Andy with a smile!

I have an apology to make...............

It’s something that has been playing on my mind for many years, it has been festering away in my memory and now it’s time to confess and ask for forgiveness. But before I do, I need to paint the scene for you.

It happened one Christmas many years ago, this was a time when The Great escape was still a novelty film, and The Poseidon Adventure was a blockbuster, when Eric was playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order, and BBC newsreaders were flashing their legs for the first time. This was a time when Shops actually closed over Christmas, when the sales started AFTER Boxing Day, even in DFS, and when the Christmas holiday, really was a holiday. Factories and Offices, warehouses and shops allowed their employees time to relax and enjoy Christmas, and there was plenty of time to have a jar or two without having to worry about work the next day.

Imagine if you will, a Christmas Eve, sometime around lunch. I was a fire fighter at the time, and did agency driving to make my wages up. I was off duty on this day. And the agency had told me it was quiet, but they would call if I was needed. Sure enough, just as I sat down with my lunch, the phone rang. “Would I help them out with a quick job? Double time if I could get to Didcot within the hour, one hit Luton, and finish” now I’ve heard this sort of offer before from the agency, so I got him to repeat the offer to my wife so that I would have a witness when it turned out to be a 15 hour shift at single time. I did a quick bit of mental arithmetic, and worked out I could do the job in just over 4 hours, so I took a chance.

I made my way to Didcot, and reported to the transport office of a large Cash & carry warehouse, one that used to have bright orange Lorries. The TM was waiting there with the keys and paperwork, as I had worked there quite regularly, I didn’t need a map. He told me that the store would be waiting for me, as they could go home after I was tipped, to drop the trailer on any free bay and refuel when I got back, then hand keys etc. to the security. Before I had got out of the office, he was in his car and with tyres screaming, was out of the car park on his way home. I coupled up the trailer, and, as this was pre mobile phone days, and I was carrying high value goods, I went to the security hurt to call the transport hub to let them know I was on my way.

I arrived in Luton about 75 minutes later, and before I had the handbrake on, 2 forklift drivers were already opening the sides, and starting to unload. 15 minutes later, I’m on my way back to Didcot. Now as I was leaving the house, my wife reminded me that we still needed a “few bits and pieces” from the shop. Any married man will know that a “few bits and pieces” soon turns into a loaded trolley, so I was quite happy to offer to get them on the way home, that way I had control of the purse strings.

In those days, the shops closed early on Christmas eve, but having driven for Tesco, I knew there was room outside one of the Aylesbury stores, for me to park the truck, and run in for a “few bits and pieces” Another thing that used to happen in the days when I still had a little hair, was that the shops would reduce any fresh food that might be out of date by the time the shop opened again after Christmas. So, after getting what was on my list, I made my way to the deli counter, and bought up a nice selection of cheap fresh food, including some fresh smoked salmon, a pair of kippers, a selection of cheeses, including vintage mature cheddar, some Jarlsberg, stilton, and a nice ripe camembert. One of my favourite cooked meats was salami, and a nice strong garlic sausage, so I purchased about half a pound of each, sliced and ready for my sandwiches. By the time I had finished, I had about 4 or 5 carrier bags full, which I placed behind me on the bunk.

I arrived back at Didcot, told the security guard that I was putting my shopping in my car, before refuelling the unit and putting the trailer on a bay. Pleased with myself for a job well done, double time of 8 hours for less than 5 hours work, and some real bargains from the shops, I made my way home. I unloaded the car, and left my wife to put the shopping away, while I went to shower and change as we were going out that evening. We had a pleasant evening with some friends, I had a few drinks, as the wife was driving, and we got home quite late. We put the kids to bed, they were tired but as kids do at Christmas, they were fighting sleep; fortunately they fell asleep in the car on the way home. Afterwards I felt a bit peckish. Now I know the old saying about eating cheese before bedtime giving you nightmares, but I was hungry. Opening the fridge, there was a marked absence of cheese, fish or garlic sausage. I called the wife and asked her what she had done with it; she told me she had not seen any fish etc. It wasn’t in the car, so there was only one place it could possibly be.

Now perhaps I should just point out that this particular Christmas was one of the mildest we had had for some years, with even night time temperatures staying in double figures. So this is where the apology comes in, to the poor driver, who having enjoyed a well-deserved break over Christmas, who opened the door of the unit that had held my kippers, salmon, cheese and salami for over a week, my sincere apology for all the trauma and suffering I may have caused you having to sit in the truck for your next shift, in the middle of winter with the windows wide open while purchasing a dozen magic tree air fresheners to try and hide the smell of rotten fish!