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Dear Mr Claus,
Ref Application number CH439RE21 001
Reference your application for a charitable certificate of operation under EU directive 2010/EU/13/A section 49, subsection 187, we have made numerous consultations with all interested parties within the European Commission, and we regret to inform you that your application has been rejected. We are not obligated to give an explanation for our rejection; however, in this case, because there were numerous objections, we believe it will help you to amend your requirements and operating procedures for any further application, and have listed below some of the main points..
1) Health & Safety Board. We regret to inform you that your suggested uniform of Red coat and trousers, trimmed in white fur does not comply with the Working at night regulations 1997. This states that you must wear reflective clothing when working during the hours of darkness in a public area. Further, your boots and hat are not of the safe design required for purpose. Also, we note that you intend to land of roofs. This comes under the working at height regulations, and would require you to wear a safety harness.
The use of chimneys for access and egress to certain premises is covered by the Chimney sweep, fire and safety regulations 2009 and would require a full inspection of the chimney, together with a safety officer present to ensure that no fire is started whilst you are using said chimney.
2) EU Border Agency. As all of your products are, as you state, manufactured in Lapland, which is an officially recognised area of the EU, there would be no import duty to pay, furthermore, as you propose to give your goods free as a charitable organisation, you would be free of and VAT, corporation Tax, and Income tax. However, you state that you propose to operate in non EU member states, and any items that might be imported during your journey would of course be liable for import duty. You will also need to provide full customs and excise paperwork for any products that you intend to export from the EU, and would be subject to search and investigation in the same way that any exporter is. There are also certain items that it is illegal to export from the EU to certain other states, i.e. nuclear weapons etc. Certain countries without a trade agreement with the EU, may impose import duty, for which you will be liable.
It has been brought to our attention that all you production is carried out by nationals of Fairyland and Elf land. As neither of these countries are member states of the EU, your employees require work permits and work visas. We are unable to trace any record of work permits being issued to any national of either country, so we can only conclude that you are operating with a workforce of illegal immigrants.
3) Interpol. We are concerned as to the legality of your operation for several reasons. We understand that you intend to enter premises without the occupiers’ knowledge. While you state your reason as being to “leave gifts for the occupants”, you would still be liable to arrest for breaking and entering. Furthermore, your aim to “creep into young children’s bedrooms, and give them the biggest surprise of their lives” could be construed as not only illegal, but highly improper, and could lead at the very least, to you being place on the sex offenders register.
4) Equal opportunities Board. We understand that you intend to supply gifts to Christens only. We must draw your attention that the fact that the EU is a multi-cultural society, and embraces people of all creed, colour and race. To discriminate against non-christens would be in breach of EU directive 2002 EU/145/2A.
5) European Transport commission. We believe that you intend to use a “reindeer and sleigh” for the transportation of goods within the European Union. As this vehicle has not been certified in any E U member state, nor does it have any form of air worthiness certificate, we cannot authorise its use, even for charitable purposes. Do you hold the necessary operator’s licence for your company? Does your driver/pilot have sufficient rating on this vehicle?
6) European livestock commission. You intend to use domesticated livestock to pull your open sleigh. For this you will need a veterinary certificate of health for each animal, together with a valid animal passport in order for you to exit the EU. You will also need a veterinary certificate of health from the last country visited before re-entry into the EU
In summary, we suggest that your application is flawed on many points and needs to be re-presented with the above points rectified. You have of course the right to appeal to the European court of Human rights, who will listen to your case. In maybe 3 years, they will decide that as you are not an unmarried, disabled, immigrant with 27 children and a cat that has more rights than the other 490,426,059 citizens of EU member states, your appeal will be rejected.
May I take this opportunity to wish you and your family, a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year.
From the office of H Van Rumpoy
President (unelected) of the European Union.
1 comment:
That was some forthcoming article!!!
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