The great Bubble Wrap scandal of 2015.
Part one.
In the beginning were the words, and
the words were.................. Health & safety!
Dateline October 2014. London. BBC News 24.
“…………and the
last one was found in the Rhubarb pot. Now…. Over to our business
correspondent, Hugh Jeffersitt. Hugh……”
“Thank you
Clive, well the Footsie rose by 10 points overnight on news that the European
commission on health & safety were planning draconian measures to eradicate
accidents throughout the European community. Shares in Anglo-Irish Bubble wrap
rose 25% amid rumours that the EU commissioners were debating on whether to
legislate that all harmful products should be double wrapped in Bubble wrap.
The commission is due to report later this year.
In other
news, the euro was down 10c against the pound, making the euro worth 24.75P,
this is as a result of non-agreement between the member states on the 23rd
bailout package for Greece, The European central bank …………………………….”
Dateline December 2014. Brussels. BBC News.
“………………….and
of the 14 caught, only three were found to be wearing ladies tights. Now over
to our Political correspondent in Brussels, Ian Afficts,………………. Ian”
“Thank you
Mike, well breaking news here as the European commission on Health & Safety
report is announced. It is believed that at least 3 states, including Germany,
France and Italy used their veto to prevent the bill from reaching the statute
books, but further meetings will take place over the Christmas holidays, to try
and get this new H&S directive before the full commission in the New Year.
The stumbling block is believed to be the insistence that all items deemed to
be harmful to humans should be double wrapped in bubble wrap. Just what
constitutes a harmful item is open to differing interpretations throughout the various
EU states. For instance, many believe that Camembert is dangerous to humans in
its uneaten state, while the French insist that all Italian drivers are a risk
to humans. The Germans meanwhile are concerned about the cost implications for
the bailout states, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Ireland, and Cyprus and also for
the new states joining the EU on January 1st, Ukraine, Turkey,
Georgia, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and Azerbaijan.
There would appear to be a long way to go
before agreement is reached here in Brussels, and there will be much burning of
the midnight oil. Ian Afficts, BBC News, Brussels.”
Dateline January 2015 London. BBC News
“Our top
stories tonight. Agreement has finally been reached in Brussels over the new
Health & safety Directive. The Queen visits Red Square on the latest round
of her visit to Russia, and later, a hare, an adjustable spanner, and three
beauty queens, what do they have in common?
But first
our main story. EU leaders have ratified the new Health & Safety Directive
EU 2015./ 01 /04 due to come into force on the 1st of April. After weeks of negotiation, agreement was
reached in the early hours of this morning, speaking from Brussels, EU
President Herman Van Rumpoy said “Finally we can wave good bye to all accidents
within Europe. We will make sure that everybody is wrapped in a personal safety
zone to ensure the progression of the master…………………….I mean European
population”
Prime
Minister Ed Milliband insisted that there must be protection for companies such
as Anglo-Irish Bubble wrap, and the Stobart bubble wrap corporation. In a
statement, he said “British manufacturers are world leaders in Bubble wrap
technology, it is vital that we, the British Government do what is necessary to
protect British jobs for our entire EU and immigrant workforce.” Meanwhile
Nigel Farage, UKIP leader said “This is yet more utter madness from the grey
suited merchant bankers in Brussels. How much longer must the British Public
stand by and watch their national identity be destroyed by weak and feeble
politicians from the Labour party? Surely now, it must be time for the long
awaited Referendum promised by successive governments over the last 10 years”
The leader
of the opposition, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said “This is another
great step forward for the European dream”
No spokesman
could be found for the Conservative Party, as his oyster card had run out, and
he couldn’t afford the bus fare, however London Mayor Boris Johnson described
the laws as yet more “mamby pamby mothering from Brussels, and stated there was
no way he would wrap his wiff Waff bats in bubble wrap” Later, as he rode his
bike away, he fell under a passing bus. His condition is said to be
serious, but would have been much better had he been wearing a bubble wrap
suit.