Christmas has been cancelled!

The Office of the President of the European Union

Dear Mr Claus,

Ref Application number CH439RE21 001

Reference your application for a charitable certificate of operation under  EU directive  2010/EU/13/A section 49, subsection 187, we have made numerous consultations with all interested parties within the European Commission, and we regret to inform you that your application has been rejected. We are not obligated to give an explanation for our rejection; however, in this case, because there were numerous objections, we believe it will help you to amend your requirements and operating procedures for any further application, and have listed below some of the main points..

1)      Health & Safety Board. We regret to inform you that your suggested uniform of Red coat and trousers, trimmed in white fur does not comply with the Working at night regulations 1997. This states that you must wear reflective clothing when working during the hours of darkness in a public area. Further, your boots and hat are not of the safe design required for purpose. Also, we note that you intend to land of roofs. This comes under the working at height regulations, and would require you to wear a safety harness.

The use of chimneys for access and egress to certain premises is covered by the Chimney sweep, fire and safety regulations 2009 and would require a full inspection of the chimney, together with a safety officer present to ensure that no fire is started whilst you are using said chimney.

2)      EU Border Agency. As all of your products are, as you state, manufactured in Lapland, which is an officially recognised area of the EU, there would be no import duty to pay, furthermore, as you propose to give your goods free as a charitable organisation, you would be free of and VAT, corporation Tax, and Income tax. However, you state that you propose to operate in non EU member states, and any items that might be imported during your journey would of course be liable for import duty. You will also need to provide full customs and excise paperwork for any products that you intend to export from the EU, and would be subject to search and investigation in the same way that any exporter is. There are also certain items that it is illegal to export from the EU to certain other states, i.e. nuclear weapons etc. Certain countries without a trade agreement with the EU, may impose import duty, for which you will be liable.

It has been brought to our attention that all you production is carried out by nationals of Fairyland and Elf land. As neither of these countries are member states of the EU, your employees require work permits and work visas. We are unable to trace any record of work permits being issued to any national of either country, so we can only conclude that you are operating with a workforce of illegal immigrants.

3)      Interpol. We are concerned as to the legality of your operation for several reasons. We understand that you intend to enter premises without the occupiers’ knowledge. While you state your reason as being to “leave gifts for the occupants”, you would still be liable to arrest for breaking and entering. Furthermore, your aim to “creep into young children’s bedrooms, and give them the biggest surprise of their lives” could be construed as not only illegal, but highly improper, and could lead at the very least, to you being place on the sex offenders register.

4)      Equal opportunities Board. We understand that you intend to supply gifts to Christens only. We must draw your attention that the fact that the EU is a multi-cultural society, and embraces people of all creed, colour and race. To discriminate against non-christens would be in breach of EU directive 2002 EU/145/2A.

5)      European Transport commission. We believe that you intend to use a “reindeer and sleigh” for the transportation of goods within the European Union. As this vehicle has not been certified in any E U member state, nor does it have any form of air worthiness certificate, we cannot authorise its use, even for charitable purposes. Do you hold the necessary operator’s licence for your company? Does your driver/pilot have sufficient rating on this vehicle?

6)      European livestock commission.  You intend to use domesticated livestock to pull your open sleigh. For this you will need a veterinary certificate of health for each animal, together with a valid animal passport in order for you to exit the EU. You will also need a veterinary certificate of health from the last country visited before re-entry into the EU

In summary, we suggest that your application is flawed on many points and needs to be re-presented with the above points rectified. You have of course the right to appeal to the European court of Human rights, who will listen to your case. In maybe 3 years, they will decide that as you are not an unmarried, disabled, immigrant with 27 children and a cat that has more rights than the other 490,426,059 citizens of EU member states, your appeal will be rejected.

May I take this opportunity to wish you and your family, a very merry Christmas, and a happy new year.

From the office of H Van Rumpoy

President (unelected) of the European Union.

Advice needed!

The agency called me tonight, they need someone for a special “one off” job later this year, and would I be interested. Seems that the regular driver has had a bit of heart trouble, and won’t be back in time to do it. Well, I asked a few questions about the job, sounds cracking, but I’m still not sure if I should take it, as there are one or two downsides to it.
First of all, I’m told I will be given full training.Its for one day only starting somewhere up north, multi drop and with set times for each delivery. Most of the drops are unaccompanied, I have to let myself in and unload the goods to a specific place. I will be told how to access each premises, and exactly where to leave the goods.
They told me that at many drops there will be some food left out so I won’t go hungry, and maybe the odd drink too, although as I’m driving, I’m not sure whether I should take it or not. I get to wear a special uniform, and as it can be cold in December, I get a fur lined boots and hat, and no need for a stupid hi Viz jacket.
As it is a charitable organisation, I’m told that I’m exempt from tachograph and driver’s hour’s regulations, which is just as well, as it’s at least a 24 hour shift. Can anyone confirm this for me?
The truck I’m driving is a specially made one, it’s called something like a Raindear Unslay, has anyone ever driven one of these before? Anyone know what the maximum gross weight is? I think I’m going out fully loaded. Is it auto or manual box? Is it Digital or Analogue tachograph? Apparently it’s only about 8 HP although I’m told it goes like a rocket. Going to have to watch the speed though, don’t want any more points. It has no headlights, just a huge red light on the front, is this legal?
Finally, has anyone ever worked for St Clause Transport before? What are they like to work for? Are they hot on Elf & safety? What’s the pay and working conditions like? Do I need a CRB to deliver to domestic houses?

A Winters tale

One cold wintery night many years ago, I was driving across the Dartmoor.  It was a wild and lonely place with not a living soul for miles. Every so often I would pass a dark form of a farm house, windows closed and shuttered against the winter weather, not a light to be seen, a barn with the ghostly figures of sheep and cows huddling inside for warmth. Occasionally my headlights would pick out a rabbit running in a zigzag pattern trying to get away from me, once an Owl swooped down low and flew alongside me in a strange formation, the underside of its wings reflecting the glow from my headlights.

The sky was dark, with ghostly shapes of broken cloud showing up in the light of a waning watery moon, pin pricks of stars were glowing faintly high above me, and once in a while, one would fall to earth with a silent streak of light. The wind was howling across the moors and every now and then, I would feel the truck sway this way or that as another gust caught me unawares. Snow flurries whistled past me almost horizontally; or crashed against the windscreen with a silent thud.

Glancing out of my offside window, I noticed, high up in the heavens, a moving light that got brighter and brighter as it approached. At first I thought it was a comet or a meteor, but it was moving too slowly for that, maybe a helicopter, as I know the army are often playing games on Dartmoor, but it was darting around like a firefly.

I watched as it moved in a circular path, as if it were trying to find a certain spot.  Finally it slowed to a hover above a silent and dark farmhouse. As I watched, it appeared to land on the roof. The UFO, or spacecraft, as that is what I was convinced it was, had landed on the snow on top of the house, using a ski like undercarriage. I was so surprised that I stopped my truck, and switched the engine and lights off, in case I frightened it away. As I watched a door in the side opened, and a ghostly alien figure emerged carrying what a large bundle of some sort. The creature walked along the roof towards the chimney stack, and then disappeared suddenly!

I climbed out of my truck and crept slowly across the garden to a downstairs window. A faint light could be seen. I peeped in.  I could see in the faint glow from the fire, that the house had been decorated with brightly coloured paper, shiny figures, tinsel and mistletoe, in one corner there was a large tree decorated in similar style, and on the top, a beautiful fairy. There was a movement by the fire, and the alien emerged. He was dressed all over in a red spacesuit trimmed with white fur, with thick black fur lined boots on his feet; his head was covered in a thick white growth of some kind. As I watched, he started taking gaily coloured parcels from what I could now see was a large sack, and placed them underneath the large decorated tree. Each parcel had a tag and was tied with a large ribbon; some had bows, while others had shiny stars of bright foil. Once the sack was empty, he moved towards a table, on which stood a mince pie and a small glass of whisky, together with a bunch of carrots. The alien drank the whisky and ate the pie, pocketed some of the carrots, then moved towards the fire place. Suddenly, before I knew it, he had disappeared.

There was a faint noise on the roof above that made me look up. I saw the alien moving towards his UFO, the door in the side opened silently, and the alien climbed in. there followed a faint whooshing noise as the UFO rose from the roof. It hovered for a few seconds then flew off at fantastic speed. I was absolutely speechless, I didn’t know what to think nor do, should I call the police? Should I wake the farmer up and tell him what I saw? Should I call the Air force or the Army?

 I thought about it for a while. Had I realty seen it, or did I imagine it all? Was it a dream? After a while, I climbed back in my truck and started on my way again. I decided to do nothing………………………….I mean, whoevers going to believe a story like that?.

The Perfect truck!

So guys, what makes your perfect truck? I know that everyone will have their own opinion of what is the best truck to drive, each of us has different ideas of what constitutes the perfect truck, but there are a few things that I’m sure we will all agree on. Every truck has its good and bad points, so wouldn’t it be good if a manufacturer could combine the “best of the best” I’ve put together a few suggestions for my ultimate driving machine, let’s see if you agree.

Let’s start outside, and first a few points about trailers. Can you all agree on a standard position for the parking brake! When we had ratchet brakes it was easy, they were all in the same place. Now they can be on either side, at the back, front, middle of the trailer, in a nice little box, or tucked up under the chassis where you need to be a contortionist to reach, and if you insist on putting it on the front of the trailer, please make it reachable from the ground! I am 6’ tall, and still struggle to reach the buttons to check the brake before I go near it with my unit. Same applies to the number plate holder; can you please make it reachable? Especially when there is an under slung tail lift!

Moving forward, can you all agree on what is the best form of connection? We have sliding couplings, static couplings, couplings on arms that swing out; personally I am quite happy with the static type so long as there is room on the catwalk for me.  When are trailer and tractor makers going to get together and decide on a layout for the connections? Trailers should be males on the left, females on the right with ABS in the middle, units the opposite, simples. Also, can unit manufacturers please put proper stowage points for the Suzies when running solo? Some new trailers have special docking arms that allow drivers to couple or uncouple without climbing onto the catwalk, a great idea. Unfortunately the units still have suzies fixed in the centre which means you still need to climb on the catwalk to access them!

I’m not into bling, got nothing against it, just not my scene, but I do like a nice set of functioning lights, and internally adjustable mirrors, and can you please dump the surplus 60’s Cortina type horns you fit, and put proper horns on that say get out my way, I’m coming through!

Now let’s get inside. There are 4 things that a driver considers essential, a good heater, a good radio, a comfortable seat, and a nice bunk. I’ve done my fair share of driving up the A1 with a blanket over my knees and three pairs of socks, but that was in the bad old days, by now we should have good cab heaters.

Do you all buy bulk loads of cheap radios? When FM came in, we still had AM radios, when cassettes came out, we got FM, we finally got cassettes just as CD’s were becoming popular, and now we are getting CD’s when the average car has MP3 and IPod sockets. 6 or 8 speaker systems are all well and good, but please put in decent speakers, ones that don’t vibrate after 6 months.

Seating is getting better, a nice heated seat is great on a cold and frosty night, but sometimes there are too many adjustments. Can I also say, it’s no good designing a LHD cab, and expect to just plonk the steering wheel and seat on the other side for us UK boys, it doesn’t work.

I had the pleasure of driving a brand new truck just before Christmas. Very nice top spec motor for me to take a trip to Glasgow in, just in time for the snow to block the roads. Having negotiated blizzards on M74 and M8, I managed to get back to Lockerbie truck stop for the night. I found a nice quiet spot away from the railway lines and the fridge motors, and settled down to a nice relaxing sleep. On the dash was some kind of communications terminal, for phone calls and emails although I had no idea how to use it. I had hardly noticed it during the day, but when I switched the lights off to go to sleep, this thing shone like a beacon, I tried every button on the thing to switch it off, had the ignition off, and it still shone out brighter than old Trafford on a European cup night. In the end I had to throw my shirt over it to get to sleep. I’m a big boy now, I can sleep with the lights off, I only need a small light to show the location of the night heater controls in case I need to adjust them during the night. While on the subject of interior lighting, can we have one switch to turn all the interior cab lights on? 

Can we also have somewhere to put our paperwork? Somewhere within reach and where it will not slide away into the passenger foot well at the first roundabout. I know some of you tried putting dog clips on the dash, but making them from cheap plastic, and expecting them to last more than 5 minutes with some Neanderthal truck driver was being a bit ambitious!

Every RDC we go to insist on taking our keys away from us. Some insist we lock our cabs and sit in some poxy little prison shed, while we wait hours for our paperwork, others still allow us to wait in our cab. Now, when we turn off the ignition and hand our keys in, we find out just how much electrics rely on the key. Sun roof, windows, some radios, heater fan and sun blinds, surely it’s not too difficult to wire all electrical system apart from those required for driving, independent from the ignition.

 Now I carry a lot of technology with me. Sat nav, IPod, DAB radio, mobile phone. Each one will at sometime require charging, or directly running from a power socket. So what good is it putting one or even two power sockets in a modern truck? What about the tramper boys? They carry microwaves, fridges, TV’s, DVD players etc, they need more 24 volt and 12 volt sockets, and could you please agree on a standard socket, is it going to be cigar lighter type or Hellas type?

I know, a lot of these are minor gripes, trucks today are far and above anything we had when i started driving, in fact you were lucky if you had power steering, and sleeper cabs were a day cab with a plank across the seats. I just sometimes wonder if you ever actually ask drivers what they want. I also think that some manufacturers do things just to be different, well please don’t, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

I Hate Christmas!

Not, you understand the mistletoe and wine, the blockbuster films, mince pies, turkey and stuffing, nor do I hate the carols, candles, cards, presents, tree or the Christmas pudd.  To me there is nothing better than watching the wide eyed excitement of a child, or I my case now, a grandchild, catching the first sight of a pile of Christmas presents, and realising that “Santa has been!!”

No, I love that part of Christmas, what I hate is that, as a truck driver, for us Christmas starts about the middle of June! It starts as a trickle, the odd container from the docks, full of fairy lights, false trees, tinsel and other cheap plastic decorations, made in one of those fine Christian countries such as China, Vietnam, Cambodia or Malaysia. Follow this with the first tins of roses, Quality Street and various biscuit assortments as the momentum slowly builds up. After august bank holiday, the serious stuff really starts. A typical day in September or October goes something like this:-

Arrive at the RDC 15 minutes early, get told to come back in half an hour as goods in is full. Return 30 minutes later to be told by a different security guard that you are late. Join the queue for goods in, you are currently 10^th in line. Walk to the goods in office; be ignored for 10 minutes while a young Polish girl is chatted up by a fat, balding warehouse supervisor. Hand in paperwork and return to your cab, noticing that of the 6 goods in curtainsider bays, 4 are full of empty roll cages, damaged goods, broken equipment and various dustbins and skips. Of the other 2, only on is being used for tipping. Out of the other one, a forklift driver spends all day driving around with the same stack of blue pallets looking busy. Eventually, after 3 hours of waiting and slowly creeping forward, you get on a bay; sods law says it’s got to be tea break. You finally get tipped, and are told to park up and wait for your paperwork. In the goods in office, you get a sugarless coffee from the machine, pick up a 3 day old copy of the Sun and find the only plastic seat available is between on one side, the fat slob with chin resting on his chest, eyes closed, saliva dribbling down his chin and occasionally a loud snore emanating from his mouth, and on the other side, the tramper who has been away from home all week, and has failed to find a shower or anywhere to wash. After what appears to be an eternity, but is in fact only 2 more hours, you finally get out of the RDC, safe in the knowledge that it will all be repeated tomorrow.

Now come October and November it’s the booze runs. Not trips to Calais in a transit to top up with beer, but delivering 20 odd pallets of beer, wines and spirits into the same RDC’s which by now are bursting at the seams. Many will have “outside storage” some Farmers barn on a totally unsuitable site for artics, and after queuing for hours at the main depot, you will be sent down there with some hand drawn map to queue up once again.

As we get into December, we start to tug around trailers full of frozen turkeys, sprouts and black forest gateaux, vast quantities of chocolates, nuts, crisps and snacks of all types. Everywhere you go now, there is a long queue. You can’t even get away from it when your off duty, as by now every other commercial is for Christmas items, with those annoyingly mundane songs that you can’t get out of your head, On the 1^st of December it really starts to get to you when the BBC start playing all the old Christmas favourite tunes on the radio. Slade, wizard, john Lennon, and the pogues. By the second week of December, you are just about ready to tear the radio out of the truck and deposit it in lane 3 of the motorway if you hear “oh I wish it could be Christmas everyday” one more time. On your rest day, you take the wife shopping to find millions of £’s of Christmas goods blocking the aisles, while a horde fat, lard arsed women fight each other for the last box of after eights.  Mind you, you can’t find any sugar, or bread, or eggs, but who needs them when you can buy a musical illuminated Santa clause that drops his trousers to the tune of jingle bells!

Now we get to the final week, everything is now time critical, you MUST get there on time, otherwise the whole load of fresh sprouts, gammon hams, fresh cream and joints of pork and beef, will be refused because you are 20 minutes late.

At one time you could look forward to at least 3 days, and often 4 days off in order to recover, these were times when milk lasted for a day or 2, same for bread etc., and yet we managed not to starve when the shops were closed, now, with even the most perishable of goods having a weeks’ shelf life, can anyone tell me why shops need to open on boxing day?

After your one day off, your back to restocking the supermarkets with booze, or the non-food shops with sales items, the week between Christmas and new year used to be a quiet time for us, a time to catch our breaths, but not anymore, we have to cram the stores full, I’m surprised they don’t issue us with giant shoe horns so that we can squeeze a little bit more into the warehouses. If you’re lucky you might just have enough of a break at New Year to have one drink, but chances are you will be working New Year’s day restocking the shops with, yes you’ve guessed it, EASTER EGGS!