The great Bubble Wrap scandal of 2015.

Part one.

In the beginning were the words, and the words were.................. Health & safety!

Dateline October 2014. London. BBC News 24.

“…………and the last one was found in the Rhubarb pot. Now…. Over to our business correspondent, Hugh Jeffersitt. Hugh……”

“Thank you Clive, well the Footsie rose by 10 points overnight on news that the European commission on health & safety were planning draconian measures to eradicate accidents throughout the European community. Shares in Anglo-Irish Bubble wrap rose 25% amid rumours that the EU commissioners were debating on whether to legislate that all harmful products should be double wrapped in Bubble wrap. The commission is due to report later this year.

In other news, the euro was down 10c against the pound, making the euro worth 24.75P, this is as a result of non-agreement between the member states on the 23^rd bailout package for Greece, The European central bank …………………………….”

Dateline December 2014. Brussels. BBC News.

“………………….and of the 14 caught, only three were found to be wearing ladies tights. Now over to our Political correspondent in Brussels, Ian Afficts,………………. Ian”

“Thank you Mike, well breaking news here as the European commission on Health & Safety report is announced. It is believed that at least 3 states, including Germany, France and Italy used their veto to prevent the bill from reaching the statute books, but further meetings will take place over the Christmas holidays, to try and get this new H&S directive before the full commission in the New Year. The stumbling block is believed to be the insistence that all items deemed to be harmful to humans should be double wrapped in bubble wrap. Just what constitutes a harmful item is open to differing interpretations throughout the various EU states. For instance, many believe that Camembert is dangerous to humans in its uneaten state, while the French insist that all Italian drivers are a risk to humans. The Germans meanwhile are concerned about the cost implications for the bailout states, Greece, Spain, Portugal, Ireland, and Cyprus and also for the new states joining the EU on January 1^st, Ukraine, Turkey, Georgia, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan and Azerbaijan.

 There would appear to be a long way to go before agreement is reached here in Brussels, and there will be much burning of the midnight oil. Ian Afficts, BBC News, Brussels.”

Dateline January 2015 London. BBC News

“Our top stories tonight. Agreement has finally been reached in Brussels over the new Health & safety Directive. The Queen visits Red Square on the latest round of her visit to Russia, and later, a hare, an adjustable spanner, and three beauty queens, what do they have in common?

But first our main story. EU leaders have ratified the new Health & Safety Directive EU 2015./ 01 /04 due to come into force on the 1^st of April.  After weeks of negotiation, agreement was reached in the early hours of this morning, speaking from Brussels, EU President Herman Van Rumpoy said “Finally we can wave good bye to all accidents within Europe. We will make sure that everybody is wrapped in a personal safety zone to ensure the progression of the master…………………….I mean European population”

Prime Minister Ed Milliband insisted that there must be protection for companies such as Anglo-Irish Bubble wrap, and the Stobart bubble wrap corporation. In a statement, he said “British manufacturers are world leaders in Bubble wrap technology, it is vital that we, the British Government do what is necessary to protect British jobs for our entire EU and immigrant workforce.” Meanwhile Nigel Farage, UKIP leader said “This is yet more utter madness from the grey suited merchant bankers in Brussels. How much longer must the British Public stand by and watch their national identity be destroyed by weak and feeble politicians from the Labour party? Surely now, it must be time for the long awaited Referendum promised by successive governments over the last 10 years”

The leader of the opposition, Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said “This is another great step forward for the European dream”

No spokesman could be found for the Conservative Party, as his oyster card had run out, and he couldn’t afford the bus fare, however London Mayor Boris Johnson described the laws as yet more “mamby pamby mothering from Brussels, and stated there was no way he would wrap his wiff Waff bats in bubble wrap” Later, as he rode his bike away, he fell under a passing bus. His condition is said to be serious, but would have been much better had he been wearing a bubble wrap suit.