Captains Log, star date 27059 point 37, UFS Coal Scuttle, Captain Kirk reporting. I sit in my quarters and wonder, where did it all go wrong? In my career with Starfleet, I have been an official ambassador for the Federation, an admiral, and captain of numerous federation flagship star ships, even a Klingon War Bird. Why did I end up as captain of this rust bucket? Was it the fact that I singlehandedly started wars between the federation and the Klingons? The federation and the Romulans, the federation and.....well you get the picture. Maybe it was that I managed to have at least 4 of my commands destroyed including the Klingon war bird?
At least the majority of my former crew mates stayed loyal to me, took the rough with the smooth, all that is except that back stabbing, two faced yellow Judas Sulu, who sold me out to the federation for the price of a command of a shiny new, science vessel, full of young nubile female scientists, and, if I know Sulu, a few pretty boys too. I can see him now, in his shades sitting on the bridge, sneering at me.
Just then there was a shrill whistle from the intercom, and the voice of Lt Uhuru broke through kirks thoughts.
“Bridge to Capt. Kirk, there is an incoming message from freight fleet, code 1 captain."
Code 1? That meant Captains eyes only! Wow this could be serious.
“Ok Uhuru put it through to my quarters”
“Aye, aye Captain”
The view screen flickered for a few seconds, and then the face of Admiral Mitchell appeared on the screen.
“Good day Captain, hope you are well, we have an urgent task for you. There is an urgent assignment waiting at space depot 29 that has to get to earth as quickly as possible. Knowing that you were in the quadrant, I have decided that you are the man for the job. I can’t stress how important this is Captain, without these supplies there will be a lot of suffering on earth in the coming days”
“You can rely on me sir” replied kirk. ”we’ll get underway right away admiral”
“Ok, good luck Captain……oh and Kirk?”
“Yes sir?”
“Try not to destroy any planets, Mitchell out!”
Kirk let this message sink in. at last, he had been handed an opportunity to redeem himself with Star fleet. If he could successfully make this urgent delivery in time to save the earth, they might, just might, give him command of a star ship again.
He pressed the intercom. “Kirk to Bridge, Mr Chekov?”
“Yess Capteen?” replied Chekov.
“Plot a course for Star base 29, maximum warp. Engage”
“Eye, eye capteen”
Kirk thought for a moment, how is it possible that Chekov has spent nearly 40 years in space, hardly ever returning to earth, and yet he still has the worst Russian accent in the galaxy?
Kirk made his way to the bridge. Commander Spock was sitting in the command chair, but arose and offered it to Kirk, this was not the first time Spock had offered kirk his seat.
“Mr Spock, we have an urgent life and death mission, the survival of the entire earth may depend upon us”
“Understood Captain, do we know the nature of our cargo?”
“It’s highly secret.” Replied kirk “so secret in fact that only a handful of people know”
Spock thought to himself “you don’t know, do you Kirk!” but replied to the captain “ yes captain, that would be logical”
Several hours later, the UFS coal Scuttle was in orbit around the space depot 29.
“Open hailing frequencies Uhuru” ordered Kirk.
“This is Captain James T kirk of the federation star ship…..”
“Federation Freight ship” interrupted Spock.
“Federation Freight ship Enterprise” continues kirk.
“Coal Scuttle” corrected Spock.
“Coal Scuttle” said kirk. “We have an urgent collection to make for earth; we require an immediate docking bay for loading”
“Sorry captain, they’ve all gone for lunch, can you come back in an hour?” replied a rather bored sounding voice.
“Gone for lunch? Gone for lunch?” yelled Kirk, “listen the entire population of earth is in grave danger, we can’t wait while they eat their sandwiches, get me on a bay now!”
There was a pause, and then the rather less bored voice replied. “No use screaming at me Captain, I’m just the booking in clerk, you need goods out”
“We have explicit orders from Admiral Mitchell to proceed here at full speed, load an urgent assignment for earth, and make all possible speed.”
“Admiral who?” came the reply.
“Admiral Mitchell” Shouted kirk.
“Never eard of im.” Replied the voice. “Ok you best park your bum on dock 27, but you’ll still have to wait until they come back from lunch before you get loaded.
At that precise moment, kirk wished he had a couple of photon torpedoes that he could shove where no sun had shone.
An hour later, kirk found himself in the goods out office looking over a counter at the top of a balding head.
“Well we ain’t been told about no “urgent” consignment for earth, you sure it was space depot 29, and not 19?” enquired the head.
“Admiral Mitchell himself contacted me and specifically said 29” replied kirk.
“Admiral who?” Asked the head.
“Admiral Mitchell” replied Kirk.
“Never eard of im. well we ain’t got no paperwork here about no urgent consignment, best you call this Admiral Mitchell and ask im wot e’s on about” Said the head.
Kirk returned to the coal Scuttle. “Uhuru, get me Admiral Mitchell at Starfleet command”
Don’t you mean Freight fleet command captain? Enquired Uhuru.
“Yes, yes” replied Kirk in an annoyed manner.
Several hours later, Kirk finally got the call he had been waiting for.
“Ok Captain, we found out about this consignment, they just sent us down the paperwork, and it’s being picked now so we should start loading you within the hour”
At last though kirk, now finally we are getting somewhere. The excitement of being back in the thick of the action was growing, he couldn’t remember being so excited since he accidentally found Nurse Chappell and Yeoman Rand in an intimate embrace, dressed in high heeled, thigh high boots, leather thongs, and nipple tassels. He had wanted to borrow them so that he could get Spock drunk and persuade him to model them for him.
His thoughts were broken by the vibration from the loading bay below decks, at last they were starting to load, shouldn’t take long now, one pallet every 2 minutes, 30 pallets, they would be on their way in just over an hour.
Just over an hour later, they were still waiting for the last 2 pallets. What was keeping them? Kirk wandered into the goods out office where he found the head, still looking down at the computer screen in front of him.
“Any idea how much longer it will take to load us” asked Kirk.
“Well we are waiting for the last 2 pallets to be brung over to us. Replied the head.
“Brung……..Brought over from where?” asked Kirk.
“Space depot 24. Don’t worry, they won’t be long. Had to get some more from them as we run out see”
“Can we get going as soon as they arrive?” asked Kirk.
“Once he paper works done, yep” replied the head.
“Can’t we do that now? Asked kirk.
“No way” said the head “we got to scan the labels.”
Two hours later, the final pallets had been loaded and the paperwork signed. Kirk was back on the bridge.
“Ok Mr Chekov, take us out of here, impulse engines, engage!”
There was a jolt, and the sound of metal grinding, as the freighter came to a halt.
Chekov looked sheepish.
“Kirk to Scott, what happened Mr Scott?”
Chief engineer Scott clicked on his intercom. “we stalled captain. I told Chekov about not riding the clutch so much. I’ve just reset the dilitium crystals, tell that great lummox Chekov to take it easy this time”
Kirk sighed; they still had a long, long way to go!
As the coal scuttle worked its way slowly out of space depot 29, kirk gave Chekov his orders.
“Lay in a course for earth Mr Chekov, warp factor 5”
“Warp 5 caapteen, but you know our top speed is only warp 3”
“Mr Spock, how long to earth at Warp 5?” asked kirk.
“Approximately 7 hours, 26 minutes, 14.29 seconds captain.”
“And how long at warp 3?”
Approximately 5 days, 2 hours, 42 minutes……..”
“Yes thank you Mr Spock, I get the picture”
Kirk pressed the intercom, “kirk to engineering, Mr Scott I need more power”
Scotty replied “Captain I’m givin her all I can”
“Dam it Scotty, I need more speed!” exclaimed kirk.
“Captain I canna change the laws of fyusics, If I push her any more, she’ll blow”
“Ok Mr Scott do the best you can”
“Aye aye captain” replied Scott, then under his breath “Idjet”
3 days later kirk sat in the captain’s chair, it had been an uneventful 3 days, and he was beginning to relax. As he sat there, his eyes wandered to the large expanse of thigh that Lt Uhuru was showing. My god, he thought, when is she going to realise that she is no longer the sex goddess of old, I mean, 50 years ago when we were both at the academy, she was something, many’s the night I went to bed dreaming of having those thighs wrapped around my head, but come on woman, you’re getting on a bit, do us all a favour and wear trousers. His thoughts were broken by Mr Spock.
“Captain there is a vessel approaching us from behind, it’s gaining rapidly on us, and will overtake us in approximately 2 minutes”
“Any idea who it is?” asked Kirk.
“it’s passing us now captain”
“Put it on screen Mr Chekov”
“aye Captain”
The large video screen at the front of the bridge spluttered into life and from the darkness, a threatening looking hulk began to appear. It was covered in strange yellow and black markings. Suddenly from on top, several bright orange lights started to flash, and a large illuminated sign spelled out the words “FOLLOW ME” in large red letters.
Kirk sighed, he knew things had been starting to go too well, and this was all he needed, a star lane side inspection from the Vulcan Outer Space Agency, aka, VOSA. He turned to Uhuru. “Open hailing frequencies”
“This is captain James T kirk of the UFS coal scuttle, we are on an urgent life and death mission to earth, with orders from Admiral Mitchell to make all possible speed”
“Admiral who?” came the reply.
“Admiral Mitchell” kirk answered.
“Never heard of him” replied the Vulcan. “This is first proletariat Akzor of the Vulcan Outer space Agency; this is a routine check captain Burke and won’t take too long, if you will just comply with our request”
“Captain Kirk” replied Kirk.
“Apologies Captain Kurd. My inspectors will beam over and carry out a full check on your craft, please give them every co-operation”
Kirk turned the radio off, and quickly called Scotty.
“Scotty, we have VOSA on their way for an inspection, everything ok?”
“Aye captain apart from a small leak in dilithium chamber 12, but it shouldn’t cause any problems”
“Mr Chekov, are all the tachograph records legal?” asked Kirk.
“Of course Captain, it would be welly silly of me to break the star fleet helmsman’s hour’s laws” replied Chekov.
The VOSA inspectors went through the UFS Coal Scuttle with a fine tooth comb, they checked the lights, the engines, the warp engine nacelles, the transporters, the medical centre, they even check out the staff canteen, helping themselves to large quantities of Aldebaran 5 googlespit cheese cake, a great delicacy in the Aldebaran sector, but, as Scotty had said, they found little wrong except for the small leak in dilithium chamber 12, one of the top nearside outer marker lights had blown, a blockage in Carsi number 5, or cargo assimilation bunker 5 where waste products were stored. on the lower 12th deck, and Chekov had not taken a full break 2 days ago.
“Do you have your daily check sheet with you Captain Nurd?” asked FP Akzor. “Right, normally we would make you wait here until that dilithium leak was fixed, however it would be illogical to hold you here, when you are going to earth where you can get the leak sealed much better, so I am allowing you to proceed, however, you must report to your nearest VOSA station within 7 days and show a complete repair”
“Ok Captain Jerk, if I could just see your licence please” asked Akzor. “that will be 3 points and 150 credits fine for the marker light, 3 points and 1000 credits for the dilithium leak and 3 points and 150 credits for the breach of hours by your helmsman, we’ll let you off the blocked carsi. You can pay by visa if you wish.”
Kirk grimaced and produced his licence and his Visa card.
“Don’t forget your space Captains CPC” said akzor, who inspected it with a magnifying glass “fine, can’t be too careful, we’ll let you get on your way captain”
As he walked towards the transporter, Akzor gave kirk the traditional Vulcan salute, palm facing forward, fingers together then parted between the middle and fore finger.
“Live long and prosper” he said.
At that moment, Kirk remembered an ancient salute he had picked up on a trip to London. Raising his hand palm inwards, he extended his index and middle fingers and said “up yours!”
We come in peace, but shoot to kill!
Earth orbital route M25 was busy, extremely busy. It got its name from the position of the main entry point for space craft coming to earth from the alpha quadrant. A fixed point based on a triangulation of the North Pole, the South Pole and deep space object M25, an open cluster in the constellation of Sagittarius, some 2 light years from earth, with a magnitude of 4.9, called unromantically IC4725, better known as the Bottleneck cluster.
UFS Coal Scuttle had been sat in a space jam on M25 for some 2 hours. So far, they had managed no more than a quarter impulse power, but most of the time they were almost completely still.
Kirk was awoken from his fantasy. He had been dreaming about the time, he, Spock and Dr McCoy had been camping. He remembered the night when the fire refused to light and they had had to hug each other to keep warm. He had been the meat in the sandwich. A warm feeling came over him. Not unlike the warm feeling that came over him that night!
“Caapteen, we are approaching our exit!” said Chekov.
“Finally” said Kirk. “Take us to the entry point for Earth distribution Centre one Mr Chekov”
“Eye caapteen” replied Chekov.
“Uhuru, open hailing frequencies, contact the EDC1 entry point”
“Aye captain”
A strangely familiar voice came from the loudspeaker, and as the video screen cleared a strangely familiar face appeared.
“Welcome to EDC1”
Kirk started to speak. “This is Captain James T Kirk of the federa………..” his voice trailed off, then with a slight edge of surprise in his voice he continued “Sulu, is that you?”
“Aye captain Kirk” replied Sulu.
“I thought you were commanding a science vessel in the delta quadrant” said Kirk.
“Well you know how it is captain, cut backs and all that” Said Sulu “and there was that small incident with a young male Ensign, a chicken costume, and a large Kardasian cucumber, which wasn’t really my fault” said Sulu bitterly.
Oh how the mighty had fallen, thought kirk.
“Mr Sulu, we have an urgent, lifesaving consignment for EDC1, we request an immediate docking station”
“Sorry captain, I need a few details first” Replied Sulu.
“Mr Sulu, we are under orders from Admiral Mitchell…..”
“Admiral who?” asked Sulu
“Admiral Mitchell” replied kirk.
“Never heard of him. Now Captain Kirk, can I have your name please?”
“Sulu, you know me!” replied Kirk.
“Name” Barked Sulu.
“Kirk, James T”
“can you spell that for me please?”
“K I R K”
“Ships name?”
“UFS Coal Scuttle” Sulu barely hid a slight sneer upon hearing the ships name.
“Registration number?” enquired Sulu.
“NCC 2791………….A” replied kirk.
“A?” sneered Sulu.” so you managed to destroy one already?”
“It wasn’t my fault” Said Kirk. “How was I to know that the Romulan War bird was going to de-cloak at the exact spot I chose to park up for the weekend?”
“Now then captain Kirk, What’s your booking time?”
“Booking time? We don’t have one, was just told to get here as quickly as possible”
Sulu Sighed. “Ok, do you have a booking reference?” Asked Sulu.
“Booking reference? No, sorry”
“Oh dear” said Sulu. “No reference, I can’t let you in, you will have to go away, and come back when you get one”
“Dam it Sulu, these are emergency supplies, we have to get in”
“Sorry captain, goods in won’t unload you without a booking reference. Nip back to the space service station, call in to your office, and come back when you’ve got a reference. Sulu out”
Kirk was fuming. “Uhuru, get me Admiral Mitchell’s office now”
“Captain?” Said Spock.
“Not now Mr Spock. Chekov, take us back to the space services full impulse.”
“Captain” said Spock.
“Not now Spock. Uhuru did you get me……..”
Spock interrupted him. “Captain, if there is a booking reference, would it not be logical for it to be on the paperwork?” Asked Spock.
Kirk paused. “ agh,……yes…..I was wondering who would be the first to pick up on that! Well done Mr Spock.”
The ship returned to the entry point and Kirk gave the reference number.
“Right captain Kirk, do all you crew have hi viz space suits, steel tipped space boots and hard space helmets?” asked Sulu.
“Yes of course” replied Kirk.
“fine Captain I just need you and your crew to watch this brief health and safety video, then you can proceed to the goods in waiting area.”
One hour later the film finished.
“My god Jim, that was boring” exclaimed Dr McCoy, who had entered the bridge to check that nobody had died of boredom.
“I found it fascinating” Said Spock.
“Why you green blooded philistine. You wouldn’t know how to enjoy yourself in an Arcturian 3 whore’s bedroom!”
“Dr I can assure you that I would not enter an Arcturian 3 whore’s bedroom” replied Spock.
“Bones, Spock meet me in transporter room 2. Mr Scott, prepare to beam us down.” Kirk ordered.
Scotty was not impressed. He was in the middle of re calibrating the plasma injectors to the warp field anti matter transfer units, he was also trying to get the small leak in Dilithium chamber 12 fixed, and finding someone to unblock carsi number 5. Typical of kirk, he thought, there’s me, the highest qualified engineer in Star fleet, it takes 3 pages of Encyclopaedia Galactica just to put all the letters after my name, I’ve got engineering degrees from every known university in the galaxy, and he wants me to beam him down! I have single celled amoeba in my team who have the brain power to press a few buttons, but oh no! Mr God almighty kirk wants Scotty to do it. One of these days, Scotty thought, I’m going to transport his corset and wig 3 feet to one side, see how he likes being treated like an idiot!
Ensign Armstrong joined Star fleet 3 years before. His family had a long tradition of space travel, in fact, it was rumoured that one of his ancestors had been involved in the first moon landings. Apparently, he had been a hot dog seller at Cape Canaveral on the day that Apollo 11 had been launched.
Armstrong had wanted to enter the star fleet academy ever since he was a young teenager. He had read about the exploits of his hero captain James Tiberius Kirk, and had so wanted to graduate from the academy and join the USS enterprise. Unfortunately, he was too stupid to get into the academy, and anyway, by the time he would have graduated, Kirk had already destroyed 3 USS enterprises.
Ensign Armstrong didn’t want to die, he had just made out with the young yeoman from regel 5, what a cracker she was. OK, so she was dark blue, and had 3 chins, but what she could do with that extra hand was incredible.
Ensign Armstrong didn’t want to die, but he had just been called to transporter room 2, told he was accompanying Kirk on an away mission, and handed a red shirt! Everyone knows when you beam down with captain Kirk, the one in the red shirt hardly ever comes back!
They rematerialized inside the goods in office. It was a dull, depressing place, in need of repair. The paint was flaking from the walls, and, apart from a few dog eared posters, some graffiti and a large hatch with 2 glass panes, the room was empty. Kirk waited by the hatch. On the other side was a young female, obviously an immigrant worker from another planet, she had a pony tail, a real pony tail, a second pair of eyes on the side of her head, and a long protruding trunk. Kirk thought her not unattractive.
Eventually she looked up from polishing her hooves and slid open the hatch.
“Got yer paperwork?” she said.
Kirk handed it over.
“We’re on a shift change at the moment, go wait in your space ship, and we’ll call you when we’re ready.”
“How long will that be?” asked Kirk, “we have urgent, lifesaving emergency supplies for admiral Mitchell”
“Admiral who?” asked the girl.
“Admiral Mitchell” replied Kirk.
“Never heard of im” said the female. “You’ll just have to wait until we are ready for you”
Kirk sighed; getting this shipment delivered was harder than crossing the open plains on Algol 4 in 120C heat with a large Aldabran skunk monster on your back.
An hour later, the communicator finally burst into life.
“UFS Coal Scuttle, proceed to docking bay 14. When you have docked, please have your crew proceed to the waiting room, lock your cab, and bring your keys to the goods in Office”
Kirk ordered Spock to arrange the transfer of crew to the waiting room, while Chekov shutdown the ships engines, and handed the keys to captain kirk. Once everyone was through the airlock, Kirk locked the door and proceeded to the goods in office.
The Young female alien had disappeared and in her place was, well kirk was not too sure. Behind the glass window was a mound of something resembling flesh, held together by a wrapping of some kind of material. It was perched where the stool had been, and Kirk supposed that it was still somewhere beneath the large rolls of fat. There appeared to be 2 eyes somewhere near the top of the flesh mound, and just under these were a set of brightly painted red lips. They spoke. “Put your keys on the hook behind you, then go wait with your crew” it snapped.
Kirk was disappointed that the young, not unattractive alien had gone, but was pleased to see that a human female had replaced her. He put the keys onto the hook when almost instantaneously a trap door opened and the keys were snatched from his grasp, nearly taking his hand off.
He made his way to the waiting area, this was a large room with a number of tables, chairs and other such items as waste bin, overflowing, coffee machine, dirty, vending replicator selling overpriced items with no nutritional value. Kirk knew what it was like, but was unable to see it, as it was occupied by 7 crews waiting to unload. He pushed his way towards the replicator pressed his thumb against the credit reader and asked for coffee black two sugars. Instantaneously a quantity of black liquid started to materialise, and just as quickly it vanished through a drain underneath. Dam it he thought, no cups!
Kirk listened to the conversations that were taking place between various ships crews. There was the one about calling VOSA to the EDC because someone had run out of hours on the bay, and VOSA made them shut down the launch pad either side and marked his docking pads with chalk.
Another captain was telling how he had only just missed being blown up by the Borg because his ship had broken down. Yet another was telling about the time he was stuck in space traffic and needed the toilet…………………Kirk had heard them all many times before.
After several hours, Kirk got the call he had been waiting for, leaving Spock to organise the crew, he returned to pick up his keys and paperwork from the office. The flesh mound, who kirk had christened Jabba the hut, didn’t even look up, just thrust keys and paperwork at kirk, and carried on studying this month’s edition of HELLO!
Once all the crew were on Board and the ship had left EDC1, kirk called Admiral Mitchell.
“Admiral, we have delivered your emergency supplies, I hope we were in time to save as many lives as possible”
“Well done Captain, you did a grand job, there are many that will owe much to you for delivering those supplies so quickly. Can you imagine what it would have been like in the officers’ mess, if we had run out of Romulan ale? There would have been total anarchy. We were down to our last keg! Keep up the good work, and maybe, one day you will get a star ship again Mitchell out”
Kirk didn’t know what to say, they had risked everything just to bring some alcohol to the officers mess, all his famous exploits, and this is what it all came down to. He was a shattered man.
Spock felt sympathy for Kirk, he knew what it meant to him to get a Star Ship, and this would really affect him.
“Captain” He said “Don’t you think that we should thank Admiral Mitchell for giving us this task? It would only seem logical that we repay him with a little gift?”
Kirk noticed Spock’s raised eyebrow. “What did you have in mind Mr Spock?” Asked Kirk.
Well captain, I know that Dr McCoy has a pair of breeding Tribbles in quarantine in his quarters “said Spock.
A smile began to form on Kirks lips. “Dr McCoy to the bridge. Mr Scott, Two to beam down!”
“What is our course caapteen? “Asked Chekov.
Kirk relaxed back in the captain’s chair, a large smile on his face, pointing vaguely with his hand he replied.” That ways, over there, keep going until I tell you to stop”
Maybe life wasn’t so bad on a freighter after all!
